Hi Loves,
What a blessing to have clear skies. I was starting to wonder how I would do with being inside due to smoke and forest service land being shut down during my absolute favorite season of the year. I wondered how my community that thrives in the outdoors would do. One of my soul sisters came over to meditate one of those really bad days and because my little house is now a school the only quiet space to be was in the van. And my sister told me later we were like two teenagers hiding from our parents. It made me laugh because we did sit and then hang out in the van talking about, the end of the world as we know it. Like the R.E.M. song. “And I feel fine.” I heard years ago that FINE stands for , F***d Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. That’s what I think about every time I utter the words “Everything is FINE.” Everything is fine when I am all caught up in the mind AND it is also beautiful and wondrous when I come back to my heart in the present moment. With Tessa now an official teenager I find myself getting caught up in the trance of the ego. I feel my nervous system go into freeze mode. The over sexualization of young girls hits every trigger and the sex trafficking that is being brought to the light leaves me wailing often in the middle of the night when the mind gets hold. When I sit I feel like I am re-visiting and healing my inner teenager. It’s not all so pretty or easy at times. Especially when exploring ways your innocence was taken that left me not wanting to trust boys/men. Especially when you see women’s rights threatened.
Monday the dismantling of my little house started in the journey of getting much needed new windows and doors. I procrastinate on house projects because it feels like your opening a can of worms. Like once you do one thing, then it shows you all the other things that need attention that seem like an endless list. The mind says, “Who has the time and money for all that? Let’s go climbing.” But the heart says, “lean in.” I finally committed. First it’s moving all the furniture and STUFF and seeing all the dirt. Then the carpenters come to start removing the trim and all the mold is exposed. This is where I exit with my crew to Carmel to visit my mom who just moved there and see her new, absolutely wonderful home. I could not be more proud of my mama. She has grown and evolved in so many ways. She is an absolute inspiration. She has done the work and continues to. She is always learning and growing. I am delighted to see her happy and saying,”2020 has been a great year for me.” What a gift for her kids and grandkids. I pray that Tessa will see me this way. Maybe she does now and doesn’t admit it, but more than likely she is seeing all my “FINE” behavior. What I do know is that she knows she is loved and that I will always be there to the best of my abilities in all my perfect and imperfect ways. When I come back to my heart I show up as the mother I want to be and this happens more quickly because of my sitting practice.
So we got back to Truckee Friday and the windows are making their way into the house. They are so clear, I can’t believe what I was looking through before. AND the work is not done. There is more to this project, but isn’t there always more to this project of dismantling the ego? Isn’t the work worth it for each bit of clarity that is received. I know I have been diving deep into some dark, moldy gunk. I don’t think any amount of chocolate and nut butter could have gotten me thru where I have been. It’s the divine masculine that’s embodied in the form of Ben. He has done enough work of his own and we have an established practice together that he has the capacity to hold space for this stuff moving thru my field. And this is what the divine masculine does, it holds, it supports. I find myself asking him often, “Am I going to make it thru these teenage years?” And he always gives me a big hug and answers, “Yes you are going to make it.” I use to never run with anyone because I didn’t want anyone to have to wait for me. Or walk when my knees hurt. Ben and I run together quite a bit, not only does he slow his stride down, which my stride is like two to his one, he will also circle back to me without words and often he will put this light, encouraging touch on my sacrum. I don’t have to be in his physical presence to feel this touch. It has been imprinted that this is what the divine masculine feels like. It honors women and the feminine. I think it’s my souls greatest longing for the divine masculine to be embodied and support the divine feminine in healing our world. In not so esoteric words. I long for men and women to honor each other. I long for each one of us to work through all our beliefs, stories, conditioning, to wake up to our true nature. I long for us to fall in love with the truth of who we are. When we see ourselves as the Beloved we can’t help but worship each other. That’s the world I want to live in.
Ben and I are still being called to hold space for Men. Because my virtual studio is still a construction zone we pushed back our start date of Yoga and Meditation for Men to Wednesday, Oct. 7. I think we are all feeling a little collective anxiety as we head into the election wherever we are on the political spectrum. All the more reason to ground together. If you are interested or know men that might be interested in joining us, we would be honored to have you join or pass on the info.
Also it’s last minute, but I have rescheduled the Kings Beach Yoga Kula’s honoring of Pam Emmerich to tomorrow. Info below. This week I would like to offer Yoga on The Deck at Tahoe Cross Country Wednesday. Info below. Lastly, I am offering The Practice at Namaste this Friday. Yipee!
Most of all I hope you are enjoying this glorious fall weather. Enjoying yourself, even your FINE self. Plus I encourage you to open a small can of worms and sit with it. It's worth it. You are worth it. The world is worth it.
Love you all!
Namaste,
Shari
Rescheduled Practice for Pam
Tuesday, Sept. 29 5:30-7:00
North Tahoe Event Center Patio
Donations made to Tahoe Food Hub
Please RSVP
Yoga on the Deck and Under the Trees
Wednesday, Sept.30 4:00-5:15
Tahoe Cross Country
$20 Suggested Donation
Secure your spot by Venmo @Shari-Beard-1
